You Don't Have To Like Jack

Jack is one of the brightest engineers on the team. He delivers when others can't. He goes the extra mile. Other engineers look up to him and executives seem to love him. There's just one problem... You don't like Jack.

And it really doesn't matter why.

Here is the truth. As a manager you will spend time with people you don't really click with beyond simple work interactions. These people could be peers, but these people could also be humans that you are responsible for. You are their manager. Your work isn't to like them, and for that matter they don't need to like you either. Your work is to help them do their best work while being respectful. Yes, you need to click with someone, be able to make a joke, go out for a beer, and in the best case scenario meet some people you consider friends after a while. This is not the end goal though. This is a random happy accident.

But Jack's case is not the happy accident kind.

Your first instinct is to distance yourself from Jack and maybe delegate communication to other people. Then your 1:1s become a bit stiffer and if you have too much work, you prefer to reschedule, which you never do as a rule, or finish the 1:1 earlier for too many times in a row.

But that's just you protecting yourself, not doing your job. Your job is to show up anyway.

Unless you're a master of leadership from day one, you are going to make these mistakes, repeat them, and then figure out what really is going on. Let's try to save you some time and bad weekends.

The Work

Admit it. In order to understand and address something, you need to acknowledge it. You need to stop pretending it doesn't exist or completely ignoring it.

Maybe it happened slowly, with one comment or interaction, or maybe it was immediate. It doesn't matter. You are human. You are not a bad manager because you don't really click with someone. You might be a bad manager though if this is affecting your decisions.

So, admit it. Write it down in your notes. Maybe speak with your manager if you are comfortable with that, or share it with a trusted peer. Don't let it sit unaddressed.

Separate personal feelings from professional reality. Your feelings are valid. But your feelings are also irrelevant to Jack's growth in the company or getting the feedback he needs to move forward.

Your job isn't to manage people you like. Your job is to manage people.

That separation is a muscle you build. Every time you catch yourself making a decision based on how you feel about Jack and not his work, course correct. The more you do it the better you become. If the answer to "Would I do it differently if it was a different person?" is a yes, then you probably know what to do.

Build systems that don't care about feelings. Create the schedule and stick to your 1:1s. Document the discussions, ideas, and decisions. When time comes for that promotion for Jack, Helen, or Emily, you will have clear data and a framework to support any one of them and also your decision.

Systems are proof of fairness. Documentation is your defense against your own bias.

This might take time to organize, but it is time well spent.

Look past your irritation. Jack is a great engineer and you know it. But when you're annoyed by someone, your brain collects evidence to support that annoyance. You miss things. The quality of his work. His influence on the team. The ways he makes everyone around him better.

This isn't about forcing yourself to like Jack. This is about seeing Jack clearly. You need to actively disrupt that pattern. It won't make you magically like Jack better, but you will be able to navigate through your bias and see his value more clearly.

Reflect on your triggers. This is the difficult and awkward step. Why don't you like Jack? Really. Dig deeper.

Is it about some quirk he has? Is he disrespectful to people, condescending, or creating a hostile environment? Or is it really about you? Is it about his communication style that is different than yours or his values? You might even like Jack but you might be intimidated by his confidence.

It can be anything really. Your triggers are yours to work through, not his to fix. The reports who trigger you the most are often showing you something you don't want to see about yourself. Maybe Jack is confident in areas where you feel insecure. Maybe he questions things you wish you had the courage to question. Maybe he reminds you of who you used to be before you learned to soften your edges. That's not his problem. That's yours.

This is the hardest step because it requires admitting that maybe, just maybe, you're part of the problem. But it's also the most important because those triggers don't just affect Jack. They affect every person you'll ever manage who shares similar traits and they affect you as a person.

Deliver fairness every day. You don't have to like everyone. But you ought to treat everyone fairly. This is a daily discipline, not a one time decision.

You're in the promotion discussion. You prepared three paragraphs for Sarah, two bullet points for Jack. Same level of work. Different level of effort from you. That's the moment you catch yourself and course correct.

This is where most managers fail. Not because they don't know what to do, but because consistency is exhausting. It's easier to let a meeting slide. To delay difficult feedback. To forget to mention Jack when a cool project comes up.

Show up to the 1:1. Give the feedback. Share the opportunities. Make the introduction. Write the performance review with the same care you'd give to your favorite report. Fight for Jack's promotion if he deserves it, even if the idea of working with him for another year makes you tired.

Your team watches how you treat everyone, not just them. When they see you managing Jack with the same consistency and respect you show everyone else, even when it's clear you don't naturally click, you're teaching them what leadership actually looks like.

And Jack notices too. He might not know you don't like him, or maybe he does, but he knows whether he gets fair treatment. He knows whether you show up for him.

When The Work Isn't Enough

Sometimes you do all of this. You admit the problem. You separate feelings from reality. You build systems. You find Jack's superpowers. You examine your triggers. You show up every single day.

And it still doesn't work.

Maybe the communication gap is too wide. Maybe your management style and Jack's needs are mismatched. Maybe you're both great at what you do, but together you're not making each other better.

The kindest thing you can do, sometimes, is to help Jack find a different team. Maybe with a manager whose style complements his.

But here's the critical part. You don't get to take this exit until you've done the work. All of it. You don't get to shuffle Jack to another team because he annoys you. You only get to make this call after you've genuinely tried, after you've examined your own bias, after you've delivered consistent fairness and it's still not working for either of you.

And if you do help Jack move on, you do it with the same care you'd show anyone else. Good reference. Clear communication. Support during the transition. Because even if you couldn't make it work together, Jack's career matters. His growth matters. His success matters.

The Truth About This Work

I know I've used "you" throughout this article. Truth is, it should be "I" or "we". I've been there. You've been there. We all go through this at some point. Hire people who think like us. Get comfortable with certain personalities. It's human nature. It's also a trap.

The good news is you can get out of it. The important thing is to try. You might fail. You might only partly succeed. But trying is the difference between a manager who lets bias run the show and one who fights it every day.